I Don't Know How To Love Him

There is always music in my head.  Mostly show tunes, but always some music to go along with every part of my day.  Today, it is the soundtrack to Jesus Christ Superstar.  I ran home this morning to check on the dogs and while making biscuits, don't ask, the soundtrack was playing in my head.  I looked over at Phalen to see if he was rolling his eyes at my singing and the song, I Don't Know How To Love Him just gushed out.  I replaced the word "man" with dog and it seemed so perfect for how I feel these last couple of days.

I don't know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I've seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a dog. He's just a dog.
And I've had so many dogs before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more.
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so.
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Yet, if he said he loved me,
I'd be lost. I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head. I'd back away.
I wouldn't want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.

Let me explain....Phalen and I had that surreal experience with Cappy on Saturday.  Phalen was awesome and I was so proud of him.  Sunday, I took him out to practice what we had learned.  I thought that he and I were both in a good place and we should try.  I thought I had a good plan for protecting my sheep and I had Janet there as extra support.  I was feeling confident after what I had seen on Saturday.  We entered the pen calmly, we approached the sheep which I had place in a corner to be able to protect.  I let him wear off some energy just flanking the sheep while I protected them.  Everything was going great!  Downed when asked, focused and working well I thought.  We started to move the sheep out of the corner and then a little one made a break for it. Phalen was on him like white on rice!

He ran the little baby down, grabbing it by the neck and I couldn't get him off of it.  He would not listen and was in total predator mode.  He injured the little lamb, but he will be OK.  When we got the little lamb secured, he turned his attention to the other sheep and went after them.  Good God Almighty, this is painful to write!  Ron finally was able to get his hands on him after what seemed an eternity.  I had taken a couple of very hard falls and I couldn't get to him right away, it is probably a blessing.  I have never seen Ron so angry at a dog.  I was angry too, but mostly, my heart was broken.  I had failed at protecting my sheep and I had allowed Phalen to be a mad man.

I love him, I work so hard at helping him to be successful and I feel like most of the time I fall short.  I will of course keep trying.  I will shed more tears, and we will have victories and epic failures.  Epic failures always teach me the most.  I learned a lot from my experience on Sunday, and I am still processing all of it. I can't give up, I just can't.  I have to find the magic formula that works with him.  Pam told me last night that I am where I am supposed to be and reminded me to be open to what I am supposed to learn.  Not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear!  So yes, I don't know how to love him, but I am going to keep trying to learn.

I love him so.......