What A Difference A Year Makes

This time last year I was in the throws of getting ready to go to Suzanne Clothier's farm.  I was fresh off of Premier, exhausted and worried if Phalen would melt down during the trip and hopeful that Suzanne could help.  It had been a long year of struggles with Phalen and watching my boy and our dreams fall apart.  Too may trips to the vet for stitches, emergency rooms and enough drama to last a lifetime!  I was looking for someone, anyone, to "fix" Phalen and like Humpty Dumpty, to put me back together again.

I made that trip and Phalen actually did very well.  It was not the trip that I expected, wanted or had dreamed of.  It was though the trip I needed.  It was the trip that pissed me off to no end and set Phalen and I on our current path.  The one that we have forged for ourselves, marching to our own drummer.  Nothing like your idol falling off of her pedestal to wake you up.  I fully recognize that I put her there, so I take responsibility for that.  In many ways though I am glad that I had so revered her.  It made the fact that I thought she was full of shit more poignant. She didn't understand Phalen and I and refused to take our history and the scars that go with that into account.  It was a turning point for us and as I have shared with Suzanne, her lack of help and understanding actually was exactly what we needed.

Reactivity is about the whole dog and the whole team.  You can't take bits and pieces and expect it to work, for the dog or the handler.  Phalen taught me that, and my whole life has changed from that lesson.  That is where history is important.  I get that we have to live in the now, but history informs us, and even if no one wants to admit it, it scars us.  Some scars are deep and others just minor scratches, but they are there and you can either pretend that they don't exist, or you can look at them in the light and embrace them.

Last night, Phalen and I were working beautifully alongside another dog on the agility course.  He was perfect and could have cared less about that other dog.  We were coming up to parallel jumps and when he jumped, I panicked!  I didn't trust him and pulled up on his leash, causing him to knock the bar down.  Instantly I knew what I did, that it was me, my scars and my problem, not Phalen's.  I asked my friend if we could repeat the jumps, this time trusting that Phalen and I would both do the right thing.  It was gorgeous and my scar shone like Harry Potter's lightning bolt.  Letting the scar into the light, looking at it, acknowledging it, instead of pretending that it wasn't there was power and healing.

What a difference a year makes.  Looking at my scars, looking at Phalen's, admitting that we were both "broken" and in need of healing, not fixing, healing.  Refusing to give up, refusing to take bad advice, keeping our heads high even when people were shooting at us, and continuing the search for the person who could facilitate our healing process.  Thankfully we found that in Kathy Kawalec.  She is our guide for this part of our journey.  No idol worship,no pedestal, just a true love and appreciation for a woman who really listened and treated Phalen and I as a whole team.   Who gave us permission to be broken, to embrace our scars, our history and our victories.

The hard work is up to Phalen and I, but we have come to love it and with each day, our steps are lighter, our monsters vanish, our dreams are more vivid and our heart sings it's own song.  Today our song is Hallelujah!  A joyful wondrous song of praise and  thanksgiving.

What a difference a year makes!

WE ROCK!!

That’s right I said it, Phalen and I ROCK!!!  We had an amazing day at the AWSA shows.  Not because we won big (we really didn’t) but because we were such an awesome team!!!  Both of us calm, cool and connected!  Phalen was out and about with me most of the day and while other dogs were flying off the handle, my little man was a total pro!  I really have to stop calling him Little Man, he is a man now, and he showed me that today!

He didn’t whine when I showed other dogs or was walking around with other dogs, he just sat in his kennel, looking regal and relaxed.  He walked like a gentleman, showed like the champ that he is and had everyone talking; especially the ones who had seen him go off in the past.  He showed off his great obedience skills while we were waiting to go in the ring.  And then waltzed in like he does it everyday!  I got great attention and even when another dog growled at him from behind he just looked at me.  My heart melted!

I did feel bad when a friend with a very reactive dog came to me in tears.  Her boy had even growled at the judge.  He has been reactive for a very long time, but in the WS community, they never say a dog is reactive, they say ‘Oh, boys are just boys”.  What a disservice to themselves and their dogs.  It is part of the reason that I am such a pariah in the community.  I was honest about it and no one wants to admit that a dog they bred might be reactive. More proof of the culture of shame that is part of having a reactive dog. 

I was kind, although I might have thrown in one or two passive aggressive statements, since this is the community that has given Phalen and I so much grief.  Ultimately, though, I got my shit together and offered assistance, a shoulder and some of my essential oils to assist in the moment.  I hope that she gets help for her and her dog.  I’m not sure she will, but I am praying that for the good of all, she can finally recognize his cry for help.

Phalen and I left the shows, took a well deserved nap and while we drifted off to sleep, with his huge body draped over mine, his head resting on my shoulder, both breathing in unison, it struck me that even in sleep we were still a team.  What a lovely gift he is, what a lovely unexpected, painful, joyful, gift he is to me.  I LOVE my reactive dog, and I am not one bit ashamed of him, or our journey!

Too Big For A Box

Stay between the lines, fit inside the box, be one of the flock, the status quo, conform…eek!  Words that scare the hell out of me!  Words that make me feel trapped and itchy.  Almost like an allergic reaction.  My dad would be laughing his head off and rolling his eyes, but with a twinkle in them.  Maybe he is the reason I don’t conform.  He definitely  marched to the beat of his own drummer, let’s be honest, he had a whole band!  God, I miss him!  I digress….

I went to see Grisha Stewart last week.  She was great!  Personable, intelligent, direct, all of the things I love.  I like BAT, I use it, but I just can’t get completely on board.  There are missing elements for me and words like “fix” that really bother me.  Trying to “fix” Phalen was what got me in so much trouble.  Of course, as always, I totally respect her work, and take what I need and leave the rest.  Just to be clear, I am not bashing BAT. 

This is more about me.  Kathy said that I need to look for the path of least resistance.  She is right; I always end up cutting my own path through the forest.  I am getting better at not getting caught in the brambles, but the well worn path is just not for me.  I am glad it is there for others and that they find their way on it.  In fact I am thankful for those that go before me, and would never discount their path, but it’s just not mine.  Kind of scary to say out loud, but freeing as well.

I am certainly not saying I have the answers, because I don’t for sure, but I do know there is more, a missing piece.  Reactivity and fear is about the whole dog, not just pieces.  I am still searching, still figuring it out.  Some days I think I have a damn good handle on it and others, whew I have no clue.  But I am not giving up!  Even if I do find what I think is the answer I would expect others to look at my work and say;” It’s good, but it’s missing some elements.”  That is what evolution and growth is about.  Building on the work of others before you, but not being frightened to stray from the path and risk getting a bramble in your butt.

So maybe I haven’t found my box, or maybe I never will.  Either way I am fine.  Boxes aren’t for everyone, some of us need wide open spaces, and we need to see the sun, the sky, the moon and the stars.  The view is pretty awesome!

Thanks For The Time

I am sitting at the computer and a beautiful white head appears beside me.  It is soft white fur when I touch it, I feel my heart swell and skip a beat.  It is my Phalen; I would know that big gorgeous head with my eyes closed.  He has stopped by on his rounds to say; “HI Mom”.  I stop typing, thank him for his time and kiss his head.  He looks at me with those big beautiful brown eyes and is gone in a flash.  Two seconds later I hear him jump on my bed and try to eat his sister Abby.  It is music to my ears. 

Life is busy and I never have enough time for the things that I really want to do.  I am busy chasing my dream, driving a bus to pay the bills while that happens, social responsibilities, housework and the list goes on.  I often worry my own dogs get cheated by my busy schedule.  I worry that they could be so much more or do so much more if I were here with them more often.

Moments like today when my dogs choose me over everything else in their world, are balm to my soul.  I feel like it is there way of endorsing and supporting my dreams.  As if they are saying “It’s OK mom, we understand and we are here to help make your dreams come true”.  It would be easy to dismiss it as wishful thinking on my part, but it’s not.  My dogs are honest, much more honest than me.  I admire their honesty and hope I never take it for granted. 

I try to explain this concept to students, acknowledging when your dog chooses you and they look at me with blank stares.  I am up against trainers and a society that misconstrue this beautiful communication.  It is not a demand for attention, it is very different.  It is a soft, beautiful communication.  A moment of pure love, a moment when my dogs take the time to come and tell me how much they love me and how important I am to them.  People have so much to learn from dogs!

So to my beautiful babies, Wolf, Riley, Sheena, Foxy, Abby and Phalen….thank you for the time, thank you for the feel of your fur, thank you for teaching me to be a better person, but mostly thank you for loving me…warts and all.

Putting On My Big Girl Panties

It's time.  Time to put on the big girl panties and fully participate in my life.  So step one....quit being a chicken shit!  Ron teases me that I am always telling people to "grow a pair", I admit I do use that phrase quite often.  It is very easy to say that about someone, but much tougher to apply to your own life.  I have a big pair in many areas.  For God sake, don't mess with the people or dogs I love, because I will take you out and never blink an eyelash.  Mistreatment of animals and people, inequality, etc... so easy for me to stand up and be heard.  Now when it comes to me...well here is where it gets sticky.

Last week Kathy Kawelec asked me to do a guest blog for her.  I panicked for a second, but then said yes immediately before I could chicken out.  The blog post was due yesterday and of course I waited until the last second to do it.  It took me a whole week to get up the nerve to just sit down and write.  I love to write, so that was not the issue.  The issue was that I don't have faith that I have anything of value to say, especially in the context of Kathy.  But I did it, because I know Kathy wouldn't have asked if she did not believe in me, and sometimes that is enough.  The fake it till you make it theory.  I was willing to trust Kathy even if I couldn't trust myself.

I wrote the blog, didn't send it to anyone to proof (huge step for me) and just trusted that it said exactly what it was supposed to.  It was cathartic for me and even if Kathy never publishes it, I am pretty damn proud!  I do have a voice and I can use it just fine.  This weekend at the dog shows, I used my voice.  It was a voice in the wilderness at times, but it was loud and clear.  I took a stand for Phalen, for myself, and for the way I train.  I didn't bow to peer pressure to be nice to total asses, and I held my head high as I walked Phalen through the grounds.  Even when he had a minor freak out, my head was high and I did what was the best for Phalen.  When the woman who caused so much pain for me came and put her arm around me, only to make a public display, not to apologize, I turned from her, told her I had nothing to say and walked away.  I wanted the message to be very clear...your behavior is not acceptable and you need to take responsibility for it.  It may not change her one bit, but it changed me.

My big girl panties fit just fine.  I have a voice, I have a brain and I am valuable.  What a strange ride this is and I have no clue where it's going, I am just holding on, enjoying it and packing extra panties!

It's not Personal

It's not personal, it's not personal, it's not personal.  I need to have this tattooed on my forehead, on second thought I would never see it there.  Maybe on the back of my hand, or on the palm of my hand so when I bring it up to slap my forehead I will remember why I need to smack myself once again.  Such simple words, but the power they hold is far from simple.  They are powerful words that can make or break a relationship.

Phalen and I recently had a private lesson with Kathy Kawlec.  She is a positive trainer, herding coach, intuitive, and a pretty amazing woman.  Phalen and I went to see her with herding as the ultimate goal, but knowing full well we are a long way from being ready to do it.  Our lesson was going well.  Kathy had Phalen and I working together beautifully, then we decided to go near the sheep and it fell apart.  Phalen was pulling on his lead, and I became invisible.  The beautiful connection that we had fell apart and we were left with ugly.

Kathy stepped in and began working with Phalen much to my relief.  Watching her struggle with Phalen both concerned and relieved me.  For a moment, the scared part of me thought; "Oh shit, he is hopeless".  Thankfully the rational part of my brain kicked in and I realized that this is all part of the process and that if someone as talented as Kathy was struggling, it was not at all surprising that I was.  Relief flooded me and I was back, being an objective observer.

 I noticed that Kathy never looked at Phalen, no matter what he did.  I asked why she didn't look at him and she replied very matter of factly: "It's not personal. If I look at him it's personal and it's not at all."  I felt like I had been struck between the eyes.  Once the contact is made, the emotions get involved and it becomes very personal and it is no longer about the good of Phalen, it is about me.  It is about my needs, my wants and my feelings.  How could I have missed that all of these years?

When our management system failed the other morning and Ron accidentally let the boys together, this simple phrase saved the day.  Phalen was on Wolf  like a shot and I had to jump out of the shower naked, covered with soap to help Ron.  After the boys were separated and I was back in the shower, the old feelings came back.  The sense of failure, the knowledge that we had not kept Wolfie safe, the anger at Phalen for hurting another member of our family.  I luxuriated in them for a moment.  They were comfortable old friends that I could embrace in a time of crisis.  The familiarity of blame and pain comforted me, but then it happened...my friends betrayed me.  Knowledge and growth crept in to ruin my pity party.

I got out of the shower, confused and even more angry.  I looked at Phalen, wanting to hate him, and I couldn't.  He was in as much pain as I was.  He was remorseful, confused and miserable.  Just like me.  Then it hit me full force, IT WAS NOT PERSONAL!  It wasn't an affront to me, to Ron,or even to Wolf.  It was just Phalen, unsure of his place in the world, struggling to figure it out and making bad choices in the process.

It strikes me funny that me at 46 and Phalen at 2 1/2 are learning the same life lessons.  The seemingly innocent comment that Kathy made applies to so many areas of my life.  I see life getting much better by just remembering "IT'S NOT PERSONAL"

Occum's Razor

A well established principle in the study of animal behavior is that of parsimony.  Also known as Occum’s Razor, it mandates choosing the simplest explanation for a behavior that accounts for the facts, even if more complicated options are available. 

I need to put this in my memory bank or possibly tattoo it to my forehead.  The more you understand about dogs or people for that matter the more you need to remember this simple principle.  How often I have seen myself and others jump to a complicated explanation for the simplest thing.  So worried about what was the dogs motivation, what were the precipitating facts, etc.  While context is important,of course, it can sometimes muddy the waters.  Sometimes dogs do stuff just because they are dogs.  The same reason men do things we never understand, they are men.

This stuck me as especially poignant, given my struggles with Phalen.  Sometimes, he is just a dog, doing what dog's do.  I may not like it, it may not be what my mommy brain wants to process, but it is what it is.  He is a dog and will do dog stuff.  I tell my clients that all of the time, somehow I forgot to learn the lesson myself.  Do as I say, not as I do.  

I had gone off the deep end this week trying to figure out why Phalen had attacked the sheep.  I thought that he didn't respect me, that God forbid that jackass at the training seminar was right, that all of my hopes and dreams for Phalen and I were gone.  Yes, I have a flair for the dramatic.  But even with my dramatic tendencies, I was devastated.  My confidence had been shaken and I even considered no longer training.  I was sure I was far to unqualified to be teaching anything to anyone about dogs, when I couldn't even help my own.  I was actually considering giving up, something I don't do lightly.  My Commodore 64 brain was on major overload.

Occum's Razor would force me to know that Phalen was being a predator in a pen with prey.  Hmm, wonder what happens in that scenario.....Do I still need to take my part of the responsibility, of course.  Better management and better skills could have made for a very different scenario.  I can take care of those things and have already begun the process.  I can help Phalen with other skills by taking it slow, but always being aware that he is a predator and the sheep are prey.  

I will look at behavior differently, and stop apologizing when my behavior friends come up with a complicated explanation and I "dumb it down".  Turns out, it's not so dumb afterall.