What A Difference A Year Makes

This time last year I was in the throws of getting ready to go to Suzanne Clothier's farm.  I was fresh off of Premier, exhausted and worried if Phalen would melt down during the trip and hopeful that Suzanne could help.  It had been a long year of struggles with Phalen and watching my boy and our dreams fall apart.  Too may trips to the vet for stitches, emergency rooms and enough drama to last a lifetime!  I was looking for someone, anyone, to "fix" Phalen and like Humpty Dumpty, to put me back together again.

I made that trip and Phalen actually did very well.  It was not the trip that I expected, wanted or had dreamed of.  It was though the trip I needed.  It was the trip that pissed me off to no end and set Phalen and I on our current path.  The one that we have forged for ourselves, marching to our own drummer.  Nothing like your idol falling off of her pedestal to wake you up.  I fully recognize that I put her there, so I take responsibility for that.  In many ways though I am glad that I had so revered her.  It made the fact that I thought she was full of shit more poignant. She didn't understand Phalen and I and refused to take our history and the scars that go with that into account.  It was a turning point for us and as I have shared with Suzanne, her lack of help and understanding actually was exactly what we needed.

Reactivity is about the whole dog and the whole team.  You can't take bits and pieces and expect it to work, for the dog or the handler.  Phalen taught me that, and my whole life has changed from that lesson.  That is where history is important.  I get that we have to live in the now, but history informs us, and even if no one wants to admit it, it scars us.  Some scars are deep and others just minor scratches, but they are there and you can either pretend that they don't exist, or you can look at them in the light and embrace them.

Last night, Phalen and I were working beautifully alongside another dog on the agility course.  He was perfect and could have cared less about that other dog.  We were coming up to parallel jumps and when he jumped, I panicked!  I didn't trust him and pulled up on his leash, causing him to knock the bar down.  Instantly I knew what I did, that it was me, my scars and my problem, not Phalen's.  I asked my friend if we could repeat the jumps, this time trusting that Phalen and I would both do the right thing.  It was gorgeous and my scar shone like Harry Potter's lightning bolt.  Letting the scar into the light, looking at it, acknowledging it, instead of pretending that it wasn't there was power and healing.

What a difference a year makes.  Looking at my scars, looking at Phalen's, admitting that we were both "broken" and in need of healing, not fixing, healing.  Refusing to give up, refusing to take bad advice, keeping our heads high even when people were shooting at us, and continuing the search for the person who could facilitate our healing process.  Thankfully we found that in Kathy Kawalec.  She is our guide for this part of our journey.  No idol worship,no pedestal, just a true love and appreciation for a woman who really listened and treated Phalen and I as a whole team.   Who gave us permission to be broken, to embrace our scars, our history and our victories.

The hard work is up to Phalen and I, but we have come to love it and with each day, our steps are lighter, our monsters vanish, our dreams are more vivid and our heart sings it's own song.  Today our song is Hallelujah!  A joyful wondrous song of praise and  thanksgiving.

What a difference a year makes!