It's not Personal

It's not personal, it's not personal, it's not personal.  I need to have this tattooed on my forehead, on second thought I would never see it there.  Maybe on the back of my hand, or on the palm of my hand so when I bring it up to slap my forehead I will remember why I need to smack myself once again.  Such simple words, but the power they hold is far from simple.  They are powerful words that can make or break a relationship.

Phalen and I recently had a private lesson with Kathy Kawlec.  She is a positive trainer, herding coach, intuitive, and a pretty amazing woman.  Phalen and I went to see her with herding as the ultimate goal, but knowing full well we are a long way from being ready to do it.  Our lesson was going well.  Kathy had Phalen and I working together beautifully, then we decided to go near the sheep and it fell apart.  Phalen was pulling on his lead, and I became invisible.  The beautiful connection that we had fell apart and we were left with ugly.

Kathy stepped in and began working with Phalen much to my relief.  Watching her struggle with Phalen both concerned and relieved me.  For a moment, the scared part of me thought; "Oh shit, he is hopeless".  Thankfully the rational part of my brain kicked in and I realized that this is all part of the process and that if someone as talented as Kathy was struggling, it was not at all surprising that I was.  Relief flooded me and I was back, being an objective observer.

 I noticed that Kathy never looked at Phalen, no matter what he did.  I asked why she didn't look at him and she replied very matter of factly: "It's not personal. If I look at him it's personal and it's not at all."  I felt like I had been struck between the eyes.  Once the contact is made, the emotions get involved and it becomes very personal and it is no longer about the good of Phalen, it is about me.  It is about my needs, my wants and my feelings.  How could I have missed that all of these years?

When our management system failed the other morning and Ron accidentally let the boys together, this simple phrase saved the day.  Phalen was on Wolf  like a shot and I had to jump out of the shower naked, covered with soap to help Ron.  After the boys were separated and I was back in the shower, the old feelings came back.  The sense of failure, the knowledge that we had not kept Wolfie safe, the anger at Phalen for hurting another member of our family.  I luxuriated in them for a moment.  They were comfortable old friends that I could embrace in a time of crisis.  The familiarity of blame and pain comforted me, but then it happened...my friends betrayed me.  Knowledge and growth crept in to ruin my pity party.

I got out of the shower, confused and even more angry.  I looked at Phalen, wanting to hate him, and I couldn't.  He was in as much pain as I was.  He was remorseful, confused and miserable.  Just like me.  Then it hit me full force, IT WAS NOT PERSONAL!  It wasn't an affront to me, to Ron,or even to Wolf.  It was just Phalen, unsure of his place in the world, struggling to figure it out and making bad choices in the process.

It strikes me funny that me at 46 and Phalen at 2 1/2 are learning the same life lessons.  The seemingly innocent comment that Kathy made applies to so many areas of my life.  I see life getting much better by just remembering "IT'S NOT PERSONAL"