WE ROCK!!

That’s right I said it, Phalen and I ROCK!!!  We had an amazing day at the AWSA shows.  Not because we won big (we really didn’t) but because we were such an awesome team!!!  Both of us calm, cool and connected!  Phalen was out and about with me most of the day and while other dogs were flying off the handle, my little man was a total pro!  I really have to stop calling him Little Man, he is a man now, and he showed me that today!

He didn’t whine when I showed other dogs or was walking around with other dogs, he just sat in his kennel, looking regal and relaxed.  He walked like a gentleman, showed like the champ that he is and had everyone talking; especially the ones who had seen him go off in the past.  He showed off his great obedience skills while we were waiting to go in the ring.  And then waltzed in like he does it everyday!  I got great attention and even when another dog growled at him from behind he just looked at me.  My heart melted!

I did feel bad when a friend with a very reactive dog came to me in tears.  Her boy had even growled at the judge.  He has been reactive for a very long time, but in the WS community, they never say a dog is reactive, they say ‘Oh, boys are just boys”.  What a disservice to themselves and their dogs.  It is part of the reason that I am such a pariah in the community.  I was honest about it and no one wants to admit that a dog they bred might be reactive. More proof of the culture of shame that is part of having a reactive dog. 

I was kind, although I might have thrown in one or two passive aggressive statements, since this is the community that has given Phalen and I so much grief.  Ultimately, though, I got my shit together and offered assistance, a shoulder and some of my essential oils to assist in the moment.  I hope that she gets help for her and her dog.  I’m not sure she will, but I am praying that for the good of all, she can finally recognize his cry for help.

Phalen and I left the shows, took a well deserved nap and while we drifted off to sleep, with his huge body draped over mine, his head resting on my shoulder, both breathing in unison, it struck me that even in sleep we were still a team.  What a lovely gift he is, what a lovely unexpected, painful, joyful, gift he is to me.  I LOVE my reactive dog, and I am not one bit ashamed of him, or our journey!

Too Big For A Box

Stay between the lines, fit inside the box, be one of the flock, the status quo, conform…eek!  Words that scare the hell out of me!  Words that make me feel trapped and itchy.  Almost like an allergic reaction.  My dad would be laughing his head off and rolling his eyes, but with a twinkle in them.  Maybe he is the reason I don’t conform.  He definitely  marched to the beat of his own drummer, let’s be honest, he had a whole band!  God, I miss him!  I digress….

I went to see Grisha Stewart last week.  She was great!  Personable, intelligent, direct, all of the things I love.  I like BAT, I use it, but I just can’t get completely on board.  There are missing elements for me and words like “fix” that really bother me.  Trying to “fix” Phalen was what got me in so much trouble.  Of course, as always, I totally respect her work, and take what I need and leave the rest.  Just to be clear, I am not bashing BAT. 

This is more about me.  Kathy said that I need to look for the path of least resistance.  She is right; I always end up cutting my own path through the forest.  I am getting better at not getting caught in the brambles, but the well worn path is just not for me.  I am glad it is there for others and that they find their way on it.  In fact I am thankful for those that go before me, and would never discount their path, but it’s just not mine.  Kind of scary to say out loud, but freeing as well.

I am certainly not saying I have the answers, because I don’t for sure, but I do know there is more, a missing piece.  Reactivity and fear is about the whole dog, not just pieces.  I am still searching, still figuring it out.  Some days I think I have a damn good handle on it and others, whew I have no clue.  But I am not giving up!  Even if I do find what I think is the answer I would expect others to look at my work and say;” It’s good, but it’s missing some elements.”  That is what evolution and growth is about.  Building on the work of others before you, but not being frightened to stray from the path and risk getting a bramble in your butt.

So maybe I haven’t found my box, or maybe I never will.  Either way I am fine.  Boxes aren’t for everyone, some of us need wide open spaces, and we need to see the sun, the sky, the moon and the stars.  The view is pretty awesome!

Thanks For The Time

I am sitting at the computer and a beautiful white head appears beside me.  It is soft white fur when I touch it, I feel my heart swell and skip a beat.  It is my Phalen; I would know that big gorgeous head with my eyes closed.  He has stopped by on his rounds to say; “HI Mom”.  I stop typing, thank him for his time and kiss his head.  He looks at me with those big beautiful brown eyes and is gone in a flash.  Two seconds later I hear him jump on my bed and try to eat his sister Abby.  It is music to my ears. 

Life is busy and I never have enough time for the things that I really want to do.  I am busy chasing my dream, driving a bus to pay the bills while that happens, social responsibilities, housework and the list goes on.  I often worry my own dogs get cheated by my busy schedule.  I worry that they could be so much more or do so much more if I were here with them more often.

Moments like today when my dogs choose me over everything else in their world, are balm to my soul.  I feel like it is there way of endorsing and supporting my dreams.  As if they are saying “It’s OK mom, we understand and we are here to help make your dreams come true”.  It would be easy to dismiss it as wishful thinking on my part, but it’s not.  My dogs are honest, much more honest than me.  I admire their honesty and hope I never take it for granted. 

I try to explain this concept to students, acknowledging when your dog chooses you and they look at me with blank stares.  I am up against trainers and a society that misconstrue this beautiful communication.  It is not a demand for attention, it is very different.  It is a soft, beautiful communication.  A moment of pure love, a moment when my dogs take the time to come and tell me how much they love me and how important I am to them.  People have so much to learn from dogs!

So to my beautiful babies, Wolf, Riley, Sheena, Foxy, Abby and Phalen….thank you for the time, thank you for the feel of your fur, thank you for teaching me to be a better person, but mostly thank you for loving me…warts and all.