It's time. Time to put on the big girl panties and fully participate in my life. So step one....quit being a chicken shit! Ron teases me that I am always telling people to "grow a pair", I admit I do use that phrase quite often. It is very easy to say that about someone, but much tougher to apply to your own life. I have a big pair in many areas. For God sake, don't mess with the people or dogs I love, because I will take you out and never blink an eyelash. Mistreatment of animals and people, inequality, etc... so easy for me to stand up and be heard. Now when it comes to me...well here is where it gets sticky.
Last week Kathy Kawelec asked me to do a guest blog for her. I panicked for a second, but then said yes immediately before I could chicken out. The blog post was due yesterday and of course I waited until the last second to do it. It took me a whole week to get up the nerve to just sit down and write. I love to write, so that was not the issue. The issue was that I don't have faith that I have anything of value to say, especially in the context of Kathy. But I did it, because I know Kathy wouldn't have asked if she did not believe in me, and sometimes that is enough. The fake it till you make it theory. I was willing to trust Kathy even if I couldn't trust myself.
I wrote the blog, didn't send it to anyone to proof (huge step for me) and just trusted that it said exactly what it was supposed to. It was cathartic for me and even if Kathy never publishes it, I am pretty damn proud! I do have a voice and I can use it just fine. This weekend at the dog shows, I used my voice. It was a voice in the wilderness at times, but it was loud and clear. I took a stand for Phalen, for myself, and for the way I train. I didn't bow to peer pressure to be nice to total asses, and I held my head high as I walked Phalen through the grounds. Even when he had a minor freak out, my head was high and I did what was the best for Phalen. When the woman who caused so much pain for me came and put her arm around me, only to make a public display, not to apologize, I turned from her, told her I had nothing to say and walked away. I wanted the message to be very clear...your behavior is not acceptable and you need to take responsibility for it. It may not change her one bit, but it changed me.
My big girl panties fit just fine. I have a voice, I have a brain and I am valuable. What a strange ride this is and I have no clue where it's going, I am just holding on, enjoying it and packing extra panties!
